An Ode to India’sTar Road Blues

Driving in India Sucks!
Everybody knows and accepts the above mentioned fact as a fundamental truth of the Universe. As you all know, many factors contribute to India’s dismal ‘track’ record:

  • Indian roads and their Post-Asteroid Impacted Land contour.
  • India’s Flyovers, Bridges, and Traffic Control Systems &Technologies that are built over a period of ‘Forever’ to achieve acceptable standards.
  • India’s ever increasing population adds to traffic congestion. Things won’t get any better unless Family Planning and not Kolaveri, goes Viral!
  • Weak laws and Corrupt Officials make a lethal combination that’s made Traffic Law Enforcement a bigger joke than News Channel debates these days.
  • And Finally- Stray Dogs, Cows and low flying Crows! I know I don’t need to explain this. You’ve all had your personal experiences with at least one of them on the road.

However, there is one more very important factor that comes to my mind when I think of India’s tryst with Bad Language and broken bones while on the move. It is the Road Sense (rather the lack of it) of an average Indian Driver. Many come to believe, even as a child that they were born to drive. ‘Yes, I can feel it. Driving suits me like Underwear!’ they roar from their tricycle, nearly running over the neighbour’s black cat that crosses their path. Talk about Ominous signs!
Many Indians seem to be overcome by this supreme confidence in their driving skills, almost as if Lord Krishna drives pillion, bestowing them constantly with ‘Smooth Driving Talent’ like Draupadi’s never ending sari!
Knowledge and Awareness take a backseat with such mindsets.  And with the complete lack of effort from the governing systems in place (Think about the way in which a license is issued in our country. Remember the movie Indian? Ha Ha.. Goundamani ultimate comedy! Anyway, the point is..), it’s no surprise that Traffic rules remains purely on paper and not on Tar. Over the course of many years, traffic rules in India have remained very fragile thanks to the people’s utter lack of hesitancy to break Rules even if it could get them home 20 seconds faster. There are a wide variety of Rule defaulters (a.k.a Country Brutes) you are bound to bump into on Indian Roads. Hence, I have illustrated a few frequent traffic violations below. Keep them in mind when you drive next time.

(P.S-Ignore these at your own cost but follow them at your own peril!)

Stop Line Blindness:

Many people in India suffer from Stop Line blindness. For them, the stop line is nothing but a minor aberration in an otherwise highly aberrated road. I can even forgive those who overshoot the line by a mile but the ones that irk me the most are those who have only the front tyre sticking out. I personally feel that this mindset denotes a lack of insecurity in people who always seem to fall a few inches short! Hee Hee!

The Unstoppables:

‘Brakes in Vehicles are like the appendix in a human body- Redundant and a useless legacy of the past’ This is what runs through their twisted minds when they see an absolutely packed road in front of them but still continue to snake their way through nonexistent spaces with a single goal- Do not BRAKE! If ever mankind were to find wormholes in space, it would be one of them Unstoppables!

Serial Honkers:

Why do Dogs bark?
Simple- the poor things can’t talk, so no matter how they feel- Good, Bad, Angry or Horny, the only way they communicate is through a bark. And so do many of our two legged friends behind the wheels. Watch these people who are capable of talking and thinking logically, HONK on the road for no reason whatsoever:
The signal is yet to turn green but…HONK! Its 1 A.M, there’s nobody on the road………..HONK HONK!

The Ambulance Convoy:

I pity Ambulance drivers in India. Not only do they comprehend with crippling traffic snarls but they also have to put up with the ‘Convoy’. Yes, I am talking about the bunch of douche bags that lead and trail an ambulance. The leaders think they are helping an ambulance by charting a way and the trailers want a speedy exit from the traffic by taking advantage of the dying person inside. Wow! Talk about compassion… Sniff…

The Drifters:

They drive very slowly. But that’s not all, they kind of work themselves into a lullaby as they slowly start to drift across the road only to be woken up a blaring horn from close behind. And you know what the worst part is? The dirty looks they give you for waking them up. ‘These youngsters! Serial Honkers! Cha!’ they think to themselves as they continue to chart another arc across the tar.

Tycoon on the Move:

Thanks to the invention of the ‘Hands Free’, this menace has come down. But there are still quite a few Tumbler Nakkis who flirt dangerously with a CT-Scan as they seem to attend Globally Critical Calls on their mobiles while driving precariously sandwiched between a garbage truck and a bus. Who the hell do they talk to?

Telepathic Indicators:

Their motto? -‘Indicators and Stale Food are for aircrafts’. These self consumed vermin’s believe that it is the solemn duty of everyone on the road around them to be telepathically aware as to when and where they would turn.
And then there are those ‘Tumbler Nakkis’ who go one step further- They can’t figure out which is Left and right!Don’t get me wrong- these guys could be brilliant scholars but ‘put them on a bike, left n right can take a hike’!!

The moment the Earth Stands Still:

This is the most common mistake you will encounter on the road. Imagine yourself breezing through the right lane of the road. A bus to your left in front slows down. Then suddenly, without warning a bike turns 90 degrees from behind the bus to cross into your lane (If you didn’t understand the previous two lines, you yourself might be a menace to the driving society!)

Multitasking Bullock Carts:

Mode of Transport: Big Ass SUV
Maximum Speed: 10 Kms/Hour
Location: Pondy Bazaar,T Nagar
Reason for being a Pain in the Ass: Shopping, Ogling & Spitting while inside the car and blocking the entire road.
Suicidal Road Crossing Syndrome:

Science is yet to establish the actual reason for many people to be prone to suicidal thoughts while trying to cross the road. Hence it should come as no surprise that Indian’s wouldn’t even qualify for the main event if ever a road crossing competition were to be held!

And finally, Last but definitely not the Least, one of the most common traffic rule defaults is not committed by a driver or a jaywalker, but by our very own:

Crouching Traffic, Hidden Dragon:

How can a list of the types of defaulters on the road be complete without our beloved Traffic Cops being involved? I am not going to talk about corrupt cops. I want to go one step earlier. Curiously, the biggest mistake a cop can make on the road is to allow for mistakes to happen so that they can collect legal/illegal fines or fill up their monthly quota of cases. We don’t need Hidden Dragons on our road. How nice it would be if the cops could avoid mistakes before they happen rather than make the situation conducive for violations to take place?!

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6 Responses to An Ode to India’sTar Road Blues

  1. Vijay Prakash says:

    Mind Blowing…….

  2. manoj s says:

    Hey macha, thoroughly enjoyed the way u had detailed abt indian driving skills and the slang used to describe those country fellows… the fav one would be ‘tumbler nakkies’… didnt know u had a flair for writing and sketching…. gr8 goin… wish to c more…

  3. debajyoti says:

    this is an amazing amazing post!! conveyed the message beautifully. and those animations deserve 5 stars. cannot believe we have someone in this blogsphere who can come up with some brilliant cartoons.

    wanted to read this post for a long time. so finally 🙂

    will catch up with rest of your posts 🙂

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