The Pitch Mafia:
Many Indian bowlers claim to have seen mysterious little creatures pop their heads up from the cracks on the pitch during the test series. These ‘Pitch Genies’ seem to have colluded with the Australian players to give them extra bounce and movement while bowling, thereby leaving the Indian batsmen clueless who are otherwise supernaturally gifted players on bouncy, seaming wickets!
The cricket board has, after an extensive 2000 member committee report finally suggested an overhaul of the system to check the drastic decline of Indian cricket. ‘Henceforth’ announced the big boss triumphantly ‘A Ganapathi Homam Commitee shall be formed to ensure that all matches in India or abroad shall be preceded the previous night by a ‘Ganapathi Homam’ and ‘Ayush homam’ on the Pitch.
- The Wall has finally thrown in the towel. He is set to retire….. His nickname ‘The wall’. It will now be replaced with something more subtle, like ‘That old Kissan Jam guy who never wants to retire even after being bowled continuously for many years’
- The Very Very Special batsmen (specially against Australia.. aiyo aiyo) is also set to retire…… Partially. He will now play test matches only against Australia, Sri Lankan, Pakistan, England, NZ, S. Africa and W.Indies. He will not play against countries like Namibia, Ireland, Burma and Papua New Guinea.
The New Age Players
The new age Indian player believes in giving it back. ‘I take no nonsense, if I get slapped, I slap back!’ they shout in unison with a Spartan like roar. Alas, if only they also learn from their Aussie counterparts how not to get caught while slapping or showing the finger and still go on and play quality cricket!
The Obsessive Compulsive ‘100’ Disorder
The typical Indian parent syndrome will not spare Tendulkar just because he is India’s favourite son. Doesn’t he realize that in today’s competitive world, 99 isn’t good enough! You have to score hundred Thambi! Only then you can become a doctor or engineer…. er, Sorry.
An Indigenous Fast bowling coach is the need of the hour. The young fast bowlers of our country (average speed: 110 Kms/Hr) have the strength and stamina to compete with International Speedsters. All they need is the right motivation and direction from a Legend. Needless to say, the board calls India’s most successful fast bowler ever for the job.
Captain cool has it all figured out- ‘Just 2 more years of this circus. After retirement and an extended Vacation, I shall be part of the commentary team bitching about the unfortunate captain then!’
And Last but not the least, the biggest reason for India’s cricketing (and perhaps every other) loss:
The Stupid ‘Memory Lost’ Spectator: